I'm so thrilled how this week has panned out. Earlier on, it started as a very dreary and depressing time. I was struggling with a heaping pile of sin, especially against those who are close to me (anger, jealousy, lust). I had been warring in my mind over how fun it would be to jump off the deep end and be a crazy sinner. I start myself down that road and realize that I would not like all of the consequences, outcomes, and final situations I would find myself in if I did choose that route, and so, in my moralistic, logical mindset, I kind of blew that idea out of the water. It seemed to haunt me several times this week, and I actually let myself fantasize about grandiose acts of revenge and pilage and more. After convincing myself away from the ideas several more times I realized a fatal flaw in my thinking - I was avoiding sin, but not because I hated it for its vileness. It was because I saw the problems I would encounter with it. I wasn't loving my God so much as to propel me to worship and desire holiness for His sake. I was a humanistic example of a "good and moral person" persuaded by my own selfishness to avoid other discomfort. How disgusting!
Even after I realized my issue, I was still full of a selfish rebellion toward God in how I wanted to be comforted. I was caught up in all the things I wanted. Some of them were quite explicit, but a few to top the list were things like "I want someone to love me." "I want affirmation." "I want to be better than everyone else." "I want to be awarded a prize." "I want to be top of this." "I want to make more money." Do you see the theme yet? I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want!
Allowing a foothold for sin is the start of a very large issue. Here, I allowed several footholds. I allowed my needs to be ahead of others. I thought that I needed to be made important. I allowed sinful thoughts to grow and flourish over and over. I felt that my God was insufficient at providing comfort, direction, and financial need. I was horribly mistaken.
It wasn't until tonight that I realized how flipped I had this. God had never lacked to provide for me. God had never lacked to be sufficient in comfort, direction, or in financial need. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were miracle days in how he orchestrated real estate deals to come together, allowed friends to send encouragement, and brought me back to a desire to serve Him. But even in these good days, my sin reared its ugly head in even the most awful ways, and yet he still provided, and still comforted, and still showed mercy. I'm so glad my salvation is not works based! The thing I learned most through this week of sinfulness and frustration is that God is faithful even when I am not. Christ's mediation is perfect and infinite, even when I am flawed and finite. God's love and shepherding of His children is strong and powerful even though I am weak and unable. Thank goodness He is good to uphold me or else I would be a wretched sinner on my way to hell. Praise God.
Something to meditate on -
Romans 12:9-13
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
God has recently been reminding me of how good He has been to me. It's amazing to look back at through my life and see how much He has blessed me. Yet, how little He recieves in return. I've been meditating on Gen 15:1 "After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.'" A wife or in my case a husband, being the best, winning a prize, being rich are not the rewards. God is so good to give us these things, but they are but rubbish compared to Him. How good He is to be patient with us as we slowly (as slow as molases!) come to learn these things. It's funny Abram is the same as us. After God tells him this he complains! "But Abram said, 'Lord God, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezar of Damascucs?" Just as He abundantly provided for a sinful and yet righteous Abram how much more will he provide for us who have been sanctified by Christ's blood. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDelete