Psalm 118

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

The cross between the Shane and Shane song and the Biblical passage merge in my mind as I'm also reminded that hard days often follow directly after good ones.

Today has been somewhat dreary as well. It started off nicely. I got a lot of things done this morning, and I felt confident going to musical theatre. Theatre class was awesome. We worked on the guy's ensemble that has a 3 part harmony. My section did pretty well, and it sounded awesome. The song seems fairly sacreligious (sp?) in its purposes, so I'm a little frustrated with that, but otherwise, it was a really great class with no complaints or issues. The problems begin when I get out of that class and try to get motivated to do late hw, study for several tests for the day, and figure out something to eat for lunch.

Lines at restaurants, inability to focus, and general desire to do nothing keep me from accomplishing much, so after a 1 1/2 hr break, I head to my next class. Upon arrival, I am informed by my friendly classmate, Shannon, that we have hw that was due 3 minutes ago online. (: In order to make up hw, you must read a business book - not terrible because I plan to read several anyway. This was just a little downer. She then reminds me that we have law notes due in the next class with a test. I haven't had time to type my 10 pages of law notes, so those are going to be turned in as a half-butt attempt at goodness. I hate turning in handwritten work, but it's better than turning in nothing.

I get out of that class early to a voicemail that we are going to have to severely delay closing on one of my pendings. The issue with delaying closing - the seller is already really ticked at us for asking for so much. Changing the closing time is no simple feat. In fact, it may just be impossible, short of the Lord's graciousness to me. This whole transaction has been one stressful headache after another, so after Saturday when it miraculously started working again, I was hoping for a simple and easy close - not so. Maybe the Lord is really showing me how in control he is. For this one to close will be nothing less than a miracle.

I have another 1 1/2 hr break, so I plan to do some hw, update my listings, call Kevin, and move on to the Marketing Quiz. I call Kevin and hear more bad news. I'm still wondering how to resolve that one at this very moment that I'm writing. I go to update my listing, and then I realize how depressed I'm becoming, so I start walking around campus praying. I'm feeling relieved, so I moved toward the library to check facebook, grab some coffee, and regroup (and as evidenced by this posting, I decided to blog).

My mind is still racing with things to do, but I have realized that the best thing for me to do sometimes is to sit, think, take a deep breath, and trust. I'm a fixer. I want to resolve every issue and make everything make sense, but I can't fix all of these issues. I'm thankful that I seemed to do well on my test, and I definitely have a glass that is more than half full. In fact, the glass is not only half full, but I already drank several other glass fulls, and I'm yelling for more glasses! That's how good everything is. The daily grind can sometimes feel like too much, but the Lord has made this day to teach me, grow me, sanctify me, bless me, and allow me to turn around and worship him. I will be glad and rejoice in it.

O the joys of being a Christian

I'm so thrilled how this week has panned out. Earlier on, it started as a very dreary and depressing time. I was struggling with a heaping pile of sin, especially against those who are close to me (anger, jealousy, lust). I had been warring in my mind over how fun it would be to jump off the deep end and be a crazy sinner. I start myself down that road and realize that I would not like all of the consequences, outcomes, and final situations I would find myself in if I did choose that route, and so, in my moralistic, logical mindset, I kind of blew that idea out of the water. It seemed to haunt me several times this week, and I actually let myself fantasize about grandiose acts of revenge and pilage and more. After convincing myself away from the ideas several more times I realized a fatal flaw in my thinking - I was avoiding sin, but not because I hated it for its vileness. It was because I saw the problems I would encounter with it. I wasn't loving my God so much as to propel me to worship and desire holiness for His sake. I was a humanistic example of a "good and moral person" persuaded by my own selfishness to avoid other discomfort. How disgusting!

Even after I realized my issue, I was still full of a selfish rebellion toward God in how I wanted to be comforted. I was caught up in all the things I wanted. Some of them were quite explicit, but a few to top the list were things like "I want someone to love me." "I want affirmation." "I want to be better than everyone else." "I want to be awarded a prize." "I want to be top of this." "I want to make more money." Do you see the theme yet? I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want! I want!

Allowing a foothold for sin is the start of a very large issue. Here, I allowed several footholds. I allowed my needs to be ahead of others. I thought that I needed to be made important. I allowed sinful thoughts to grow and flourish over and over. I felt that my God was insufficient at providing comfort, direction, and financial need. I was horribly mistaken.

It wasn't until tonight that I realized how flipped I had this. God had never lacked to provide for me. God had never lacked to be sufficient in comfort, direction, or in financial need. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were miracle days in how he orchestrated real estate deals to come together, allowed friends to send encouragement, and brought me back to a desire to serve Him. But even in these good days, my sin reared its ugly head in even the most awful ways, and yet he still provided, and still comforted, and still showed mercy. I'm so glad my salvation is not works based! The thing I learned most through this week of sinfulness and frustration is that God is faithful even when I am not. Christ's mediation is perfect and infinite, even when I am flawed and finite. God's love and shepherding of His children is strong and powerful even though I am weak and unable. Thank goodness He is good to uphold me or else I would be a wretched sinner on my way to hell. Praise God.

Something to meditate on -

Romans 12:9-13
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

I am . . .

I am lost for words.

That's likely a first time in a long time. Sometimes people ask me the question, "Do you ever stop talking besides in your sleep?" I have to respond, "Rarely do I stop talking, even in my sleep." Anyway, that was a silly story. My point is: I am all talked out. Sydney Ruiz, Mike Henry, and I talked from the end of Navigators until 1:30 this morning, hence the reason I am still awake. I appreciate talking to people that have similar interests to me and can keep a conversation going for indefinite amounts of time. It was nice to get to know Mike better, and I discovered that my intuition about people is regularly correct.

My words are beginning to come back. It seems like the Lord constantly has a theme for my life for a given period of time. For the last month, the theme has been about self-examination, ridding oneself of sin, especially the little things, and being introspective to evaluate your heart. I also found myself, out of pride, being very critical of other people in sin (sometimes a bad idea). Anyway, the storyline that I am trying to say is that I went through a recent time of real growth in searching out and destroying pet sins. To see the Lord working in those instances by bringing them to light, humbling my heart, and working out situations for those sins to be acknowledged and dealt with, showed me a more clear way of the Holy Spirit's active work in the life of a believer. It was a great learning experience full of sanctification, as always.

Going back to my late night conversation with Mike and Sydney, I believe the Lord is teaching me about relationships, impacting others lives on a personal level, and dealing with people. It's interesting to see how my thoughts have shifted to relationship analysis so much even just this week. I'm still toying with all these different concepts, but it will be interesting to see how relationships with current friends continue to grow even stronger, and maybe other relationships will begin. What an exciting time!

I thank God for His provision in my life emotionally, relationally, motivationally, and physically. What a great God I serve by His grace.

Emotions are dangerous but hopefully not this time.

I despise emotion because it often distorts absolutes. A feeling can often change something that you have known is true for a very long time. I hate that. But tonight, I'm swirling with emotions as a result of truth. Here are a few things that are causing my emotion (it's a random selection of emotions):

Emotion: Thrill, Reverence, Excitement, Love, Awe
I love that the Lord constantly convicts me of new sins. I used to find this discouraging, but I now realize that it's a blessing to see that growth. The Bible tells me that the Holy Spirit will work in my life to "root out" and "expose" my unrighteousness. What a great affirmation to see. It's also a great feeling to be driven to cling to Christ by the realization of feebleness and inability to survive on my own.

Emotion: Thankfulness, Excitement, Happiness
I have a great job at a great company that is constantly presenting me with new opportunities. I appreciate how much respect I am given by business men more than twice my age. I was sitting in Flying Star Cafe with friends, and the owner of the largest mortgage company in New Mexico greeted me by name and asked me how I was doing. Granted, I'm working on a large project for him right now, but I really was amazed by his recognition of me given his place in society. It's another attribution to God's provision and one more opportunity for me to shift glory and thank the Lord for giving me so much in so many different areas.

Emotion: Thankfulness, Awe, Worshipful
Church fellowship is crucial to growth and exhortation toward good works. I could not be more proud of the growth I have seen in everyone at church. Never before have I seen such solid and recognizable growth than that which has been made evident most recently in the lives of Lauren, Ryan, and so many others. I am also encouraged to see newer believers so excited by the word, (i.e Adam).

Emotion: Happiness
Preaching the gospel is so rewarding. I love college; it has been such a struggle with sin, but it has also been an awesome opportunity to talk about what I believe with many that I meet. Also, the conversations can be so much more real than with the superficiality that Christian school creates. I am a sinner and no matter how strong I seem in the Lord, I have and will stumble. I try daily to make no provision for that, but I do make mistakes. Without having to meet a quota for happiness and holiness by human standards, I can be real and honest about the sin that I struggle with. While confessing my sin to believers, and discussing my changed heart with unbelievers, I am drawn even closer to Christ. Want to accelerate your relationship with the Lord? Preach the gospel truthfully, make no provision for sin, and be thankful and conscientious of every provision in your life. God is at work in the life of a believer, and it is astounding.

Emotion: Discontentment, Impatience
I think daily about getting married. I want children to teach and grow in Godliness. I want a wife to exhort and love and spend time with. It grows harder by the day. That's that for now. I'll write a whole blog on this later.

I have many more emotions and situations driving these emotions, but flying star is kicking me out because it is 10:35. Praise God from whom all blessings flow; I can't wait for tomorrow and the rest of my life because this year has been such a jumpstart.